Hate Not

Derek Sivers is a very cool guy with lots of good ideas about all sorts of things. I met him as the creator of the awesome online music store CDBaby. In his blog last week, he asked the question "What do you hate not doing?" as a way to figure out what you really love. You know I love self-help and quizes, so here are a few things I hate not doing. I'm not sure I like the idea of writing a whole blog about hate, but here goes.

I hate not performing.
Not only because I feel terribly off when I do come back to it, but because I miss connecting with people through music. I miss the challenge of choosing the right songs for the situation and hitting the right emotional tone with each performance. I miss working out my lungs and vocal chords and calluses. And I miss the attention. Can't deny that. :)

I hate not writing.
I hate that I let days, weeks, even months go by without cracking open my journal. That's the place where I let it fly without a filter and it really calms me down and gets me focused. I also hate not writing songs. Songwriting is when I take all my crazy ideas and experiences and shape them into a neat little package and summarize all my feelings about something. Sometimes it's closure, sometimes it's a manifesto. Either way, I feel more settled when a song is finished, and excited to get out there and play it for people. I hate not having a new song to share.

I hate not having balance in my social vs. alone time.
Spending says on end with people, even people I love, even when I'm having a great time, leaves me feeling so scattered. I'm very influenced by others' desires and opinions, so I tend to lose center and follow the crowd when I don't get time alone. On the other hand, I hate being alone too much. I get into boring patterns and I do stupid things like watch hours of TV or play video games when I've got too much time alone. I like having other people around me to bring up new ideas, hold me accountable and be a witness, so I won't eat the whole carton of ice cream. Lately I've been having long spates of alone time, followed by intense visits. Whew! I need balance. I'm such a Libra.

I hate staying in the same place for too long.
Even if it's just walking down a different side street. I need new sights and smells and sounds coming at me. I think I travel enough for this not to be much of a problem. :)

I hate not exercising and eating right.
Because when I do, I feel better. When I don't I feel sluggish and guilty. Hate isn't too strong a word for that feeling.

I hate not asking questions.
I'm a curious person and I wonder about a lot of different things. Sometimes I don't like this about myself, because before I have time to really delve into something, I invariably get curious about something new. But I love the beginnings of projects. I love going to a new town and learning it's history, it's local hangouts. Everything is interesting for a little while. And I hate when I'm doing the same old same old over and over again and not exploring some new business idea or region of the country.

Allright, now what did this little exercise teach me? The best lesson is that all the things I hate not doing are things I mostly get to do all the time! That's good. And when I'm not doing them it's usually because I'm being scared or lazy. So the next time I don't want to go for a run or spend an hour on booking or introduce myself to a new friend, I'm going to think "You'll hate it if you don't do this!" Maybe that will get me going.

Now I want to know what you hate not doing. Maybe this is the next "50 things"....

Summer Hibernation?

Many musicians tour all summer and stay home in the winter writing and recording and storing up energy for the next busy Summer, but Summer is when I want to be home. When my garden is growing and producing flowers and food. When I want to cook dinner on the grill and have friends over for the evening or the weekend. When the sun comes up early and stays up til 9pm, so I don't mind sitting in my bright office working at 8am with coffee or 6pm with a Mojito. Summer is when the Berkshires are full of activity and people and events, so I can pedal my bike to the Guthrie Center and hear some folk music or take a picnic to Jacob's Pillow for a dance performance. This is when I get inspired to sit on the porch and practice my banjo or open all the windows and play beginner piano for all the neighborhood to hear. Summer is when I want to spread out an old blanket on the grass (well, clover) in the backyard and read a book. And if I fall asleep and don't wake up until Mr. Ding-a-ling comes by with his truck full of frozen treats, not to worry. That's what summer is for. Any given week in July, 20% of the country on is vacation anyway, so you usually get a break if you don't respond to email right away.

When I complain about winter, the dark, the cold, the stillness, most people tell me to embrace it. They say I should take the opportunity to rest, plan for the warm seasons, write music, read, take up skiing, knit, sleep. And that does sound really nice. I like all those things. But there is something chemical that happens to me, to lots of people, and it just feels sad to stay home. And I start to get a little crazy. I want to go the bed early, like at 7pm. And if I'm not in bed then, I might be whining and crying and generally freaking out. And most of the world is still out there working, so it doesn't really do to completely shut down for 4 months.

Years ago, when I was waiting tables in Maine, I learned that if I kept busy during those early evening hours, life was a lot better. I'd go to work around 4, just as the sun was setting and run around serving mussels and pinot noir until about 10. Before I had a chance to look up, I'd made it through the difficult part of the day and it actually was time to go to bed.

It's really unusual for me to have a whole month of no shows, but I'm right in the middle of that. It is kind of unsettling, I tend to forget who I am and what I do when I'm not performing for so long, but I am enjoying a gorgeous summer. And more importantly, I have the time to completely fill up my Fall and Winter calendar. I want as few off nights as possible in those cold dark months. I want to take trips to Florida, Texas and California and thumb my nose at Winter.

Seasons are nice. I like natural rhythms and all that. It's been such fun watching my garden grow and change, but I just can't do the winter hibernation thing. I'm a disaster in the dark and cold. I've got to keep moving, keep myself under those artificial stage lights, and trick my body into thinking it's the growing season. And then if I need to rest, I'll invest in a hammock for next summer.

Off to search for a list of winter festivals in the South.... I think I'll just do that with a Push-Up.

Am I A Late Bloomer?

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. I just didn't have any great ideas to write about, and I don't want to subject you to reading something boring like "I had a great show, I drove a hundred miles, I got up early and went running." (Oops, I just did. But with irony!) So then I thought I could come up with something interesting to say about my constant procrastination. But I think I just might have covered that topic before. I know I think about it almost every day.

Then yesterday I read Malcolm Gladwell's recent article in the New Yorker. Hear him talk about it here. It's all about "Late Bloomers," or artists who come into their genius later in life, and it raises some pretty interesting issues for the way we structure our creative lives, and how artists interact with the marketplace. Drawing heavily from the book "Old Masters and Young Geniuses" by David Galenson (which is now on my reading list), he describes an alternative to the artistic archetype of the Prodigy or inherently talented youngster which many of us have come to believe is the true genius. The Late Bloomer is more of an experimental artist, taking years to practice, research, try different techniques, hone her skills and ultimately find her voice. Late Bloomers produce works of art every bit as intriguing and important as Prodigies, but much later in life. Cezanne and Ben Fountain are the examples he chooses to illustrate this point.

Inspiring, right? Maybe we all have potential to be great artists when we retire! Maybe we shouldn't write off arts education for our kids just because they don't seem to be talented by 5th grade.

The problem is that these days, we expect that good art will be supported by the marketplace. Lots of people who dream of being a singer or painter give themselves 5 or 10 years to "make it," then move on to a 8-5 job. And who can blame them? It's hard to be poor for years and years, especially if you have no guarantee that your art will ever be well received. Especially if you are a perfectionist who is rarely satisfied with your creative output. And is it really an option to have a full time job and practice art on the side? Will there be enough time to follow every thread of inspiration, repeat every exercise enough times to make it just right? Gladwell suggests that many Late Bloomers are blessed with Patrons, be they parents or spouses who pay the bills so that the artist can work. But those are very special circumstances indeed, and certainly open to abuse. The common call lately seems to be "Cut those free-loading 20-somethings off!"

I you haven't guessed yet, I feel like a Late Bloomer. My self-critical side wonders if I'm just glomming on to the idea to justify my minimal success, and make myself feel better about getting older. How do I know that I will actually ever "bloom" someday? But I relate to the characterization on more fundamental points, too. I can be quite a perfectionist, feeling very unsatisfied with my songs and editing or re-writing them over and over. But I also really enjoy the creative process, the research part, winding down different alleyways of ideas, gathering resources and inspiration around me. Some days the observing and noticing and learning is more satisfying than having a finished song to sing. Take Galenson's quiz to see which you are.

Having realized this, what do I do? Look for a patron? Re-adjust my expectations? Push myself harder or back off? Am I OK with waiting for my success? Is my family? Is the youth-obsessed music industry? I hope this article sparks more discussion about different types and timelines for creative expression, we sure need some kind of a change.

So maybe I'm not really procrastinating. I'm just researching....

My Gendered America(na)

If 1992 was "The Year of the Woman" in politics, I think 2008 is "The Year of Women's Issues." With Hillary making a run for it, and now Sarah Palin on the Republican ticket, the country is thinking about women's roles and abilities more than it has in a long time. So it's no surprise that my feminist senses were heightened last week, while I was attending the Americana Music Association Conference and Festival in Nashville.

I don't have exact numbers, but I love to estimate, so I'm making a guess about these demographics. On the list of showcasing artists (a somewhat misleading term, since 100% of the acts I saw were full bands), I counted about 1/3 of them to include women. That doesn't sound too bad until you take into account that most of those bands have 1, or maybe 2 women in them, and 3-5 men. Which ends up meaning that women were only about 8% of the artists at the festival. Now I'm really wishing I did have more hard data. My impression is that most of these women were singers, songwriters, rhythm guitar players, fiddlers, and a couple of them played bass, lead guitar, or ukelele. I didn't see any women on drums.

At the Award Show, there were 24 nominations, 4 of them for acts that include women, (16.6%), and of the 14 awards given out that night (8 of which were Lifetime Achievement Awards), 4 went to women (28.5 %). Over the 7 year history of the Americana Awards, women have won 23% of the awards, and never has a woman won "Song of the Year," "Instrumentalist of the Year" or Lifetime Achievement Awards for Songwriter or Instrumentalist. I'm not trying to place blame on anyone in particular for this, the nominations and winners are voted on by the membership. I'm just noticing a trend. And after a while, it starts to look like a glass ceiling (or would it be a wooden ceiling?). I mean, don't Alison Krauss (as an instrumentalist), Cindy Cashdollar or Lucinda Williams seem like obvious choices?

So who is the membership? I checked out the latest list of members and went through assigning a sex to each person. I know this is unfair, and that people should be able to label themselves and I probably counted a few too many Chrises as women and Randys as men, but the membership is around 34% women. Each sector is different, but there are wide disparities in Production (22% women) and Radio/TV (21% women). Women outnumber men in 2 categories; Publicity (75%) and Booking (59%). The artists are 32% women, which doesn't really match with the showcasing numbers I mentioned earlier. This could be because either the showcasing artists are not drawn from the membership, or because every member of a band isn't necessarily a member of the AMA. I think it's a little of both.

There we some fashion trends for the ladies, too. In general they were very feminine, just hinting at country, with the curve-hugging lace dress being a popular choice. Pheobe Hunt from the Belleville Outfit, Jill Andrews of the Everybodyfields, and Allison Moorer were all stunning in theirs. In fact, after Allison came on stage with the balding and bearded Steve Earle to sing a duet (I love the guy, but we're talking fashion here), I started to feel uncomfortable about the way the chips were falling; very few women on the stage, and more and more of them looking like super-models. The award show even had a couple of model types in skimpy outfits handing the awards to the winners. Who were they? One friend commented that the statue girls looked more like the ones you see announcing the next round at a professional wrestling match than at an awards show. Is this the alternative to the mainstream commercial country industry? It seems like the double standard is actually worse in Americana, because at least in commercial country the men feel strong pressure to look good, too.

Once I started thinking about this, artists like Greta Gaines in her slightly ironic, peach 80's blouse and fedora, and Those Darlins and Blair with their intentionally messy hair and sloppy make-up were a breath of fresh air. The thing is, I do believe all these women - the polished and the punky - are sincerely presenting themselves. I like to dress up and look pretty for my shows, so I'm not judging that choice. I'm just starting to wonder if somewhere deep down or maybe even not so deep, I feel like I have to. Do I feel, however consciously, that what I do musically isn't good enough, so I have to make up for it visually? And how much of that is valid? (I could be a better singer and guitar player.) And how much of that is just the simple truth that the industry and lots of audiences value smoking guitar licks over engaging lyrics or a clear voice? And then, is that preference gendered? Or sexist? You see how a gal can spin herself into a cycle of doubt.

So does this issue need to be addressed? Should we change the gender demographics of the AMA and the music industry in general? And if so, how? It seems since the fade out of Lillith Fair, most women musicians have dealt with it on their own. We just try to be true to our own musical vision and personal style, find industry partners that respect us, and find fans that appreciate what we offer. We believe that good music will find an audience, no matter who makes it. But still lots of us try hard to avoid being labeled "women's music" or fear that gaining a large lesbian following will turn off other fans. Our music is called "soft" and we're introduced as "easy on the eyes" and called "sweetie" by men who can't play as well as we can. We take time off from our careers to raise kids, while musical dads keep on touring. We sometimes talk about these things together, but don't want to be overheard because we might be considered whiners by those men who control the media or venues we depend on for exposure.

So maybe this year, while we're all thinking about women juggling kids and the Vice-Presidency and pantsuits, we should have a conversation about the state of women in the music industry. Is there more we should be doing together to make it more representative of the creativity that's out there? I'm off to practice guitar, volunteer for Girls Rock Camp and and I'm looking forward to your comments and thoughts on this topic.

By the way, I actually had a great time a the conference, was superbly entertained and inspired, and mets tons of friendly and generous people. I just never stop thinking. :)

Art vs. Entertainment vs. Politics

If you read my previous post, you know I was pretty high last week about Obama's nomination. Aside from the political aspect, it was a huge cultural event, even bigger than Ferraro, I'd say, because millions of people voted for him. So, in the spirit of the evening, at my performance, I decided to introduce my song "Sorry" this way.

"It's been an exciting election year and I'm really hoping Barack Obama doesn't break my heart. (A few cheers) Here's a song I wrote for all the politicians who have broken my heart." And played my song.

When I was counting up my tips at the end of the night, I found this in the jar.



If you can't read the small print, it says. "Keep your polotics out of your act. It cost you Tonight."

At first I felt shocked and kind of vulnerable. Someone didn't like what I did, and didn't pay me because of it. I got Dixie Chicked! But then I really started to think about what they were trying to say, what they saw, and what I'm trying to do with my "act." Did it really cost me all that much?

I think this gets to the heart of the old Art vs. Entertainment argument. If it's a certain musical performance, what's the main reason for it to exist? I think that Entertainment is primarily focused on making money. To do that, you try to make people happy and give them what they want. Of course, there can be amazing artistry in entertainment. Entertainers can take risks and push boundaries and have precise technical skill. But If people stop buying tickets, the act changes.

Pure Art, at the other end of the spectrum, doesn't care what the audience thinks. An artist has something to say that must be said whether it is popular or not. An artist doesn't create or perform for the money, but because she just has to express her vision. Maybe it's fun or popular, but if it stops attracting an audience, it keeps being made, maybe in obscurity.

I think most musicians find themselves somewhere in the middle of the two. We write songs, but join a cover band to pay the bills, or take gigs in restaurants, like I did that night. I want to express my own truth, but I also want to be liked, and to fit in, so I'm always picking which songs seem suited to each crowd and situation. And sometimes my whole mission with a song or a show is to make people feel good and have fun, just because.

But maybe I was trying too hard to please. Because Mr. Dollar Bill thought I was an entertainer. He thought that his withholding the other $4 he would have tipped me was enough to make me change my "act." Maybe he was just giving some friendly advice or maybe he wanted to assert some power, but either way, it didn't work. I'm so willing to pay that $4 or $19 or however much being myself has cost me over the years. I want to decide where I fall on the spectrum between art and entertainment. And no audience member, no threat, no amount of money is worth giving up my power to choose how I want to express myself.

And one more thing on politics and music. They go together, whether you know it or like it or not. But what I have loved about Nashville, is that while it can be a passionate and divided political landscape (read Chris Willman's Rednecks and Bluenecks), a good song trumps all political differences. When a song has the potential to touch people and make a lot of money, nobody cares which candidate the writer voted for, which is probably different from the one the artist voted for. That song has to get out. And so many of those songs are about universal feelings and situations. Which is probably why Brooks and Dunn performed at the 2004 Republican Convention, while their song "Only In America" played after Obama's acceptance speech. It's an idea bigger than either party.

I want to keep making art and entertaining people and I know that some of my songs will be more successful than others. I also want to keep listening to music by all sorts of people and finding truth in it. I think that's where I find common ground with people who are different from me. Mr. Dollar Bill, did you really not want to know me at all? Did you really just want to eat dinner and hear music that didn't open your world in any way? Did I really have nothing to offer? I hope you were just having a bad night.

On my way...

Oh me. I should be packing. Or paying my bills. Or cleaning the kitchen. Something productive that's going to insure that I get on the road on time tomorrow. But I got out the banjo and I can't put it down. Then I got on YouTube and watched all sorts of dance cru videos and ObamaGirl and Tift Merritt. And now I'm blooging. There are so many things to distract a girl on this ol' interweb!

I should actually be paying attention to what I'm doing online. I went to Austin Music Foundation's Boot Camp last night on the topic of Web 2.0. Rather than be totally overwhelmed by everything that I should be doing, all the tools I should be using to promote my music, I got a really great piece of advice from Paige Maguire. She said [I] should notice what tools and applications I like to use when checking out other artists, then use those to promote myself. OK. Cool. I need more YouTube videos. And um, free stuff. I'll work on that.

But no, I'm going to log out, put on some music and fill that suitcase. There are miles to be driven and songs to be sung! This trip will take me all the way to New England, which is sure to be 20 degrees cooler than Austin. But I'm really excited to play in Gatlinburg this Friday, opening for Darrell Scott. He's so smart and inspiring and jaw droppingly good at like 12 instruments. And then Nashville writing and Alabama shows on the way home. I think I'll have plenty of time to explore the back roads this time, too. See the sights, taste local delicacies. Pan fer gold... I'll post any major discoveries here, of course!

Model Week

After SXSW, it was so nice to have a “regular” week. For me that meant working 3 different day jobs, hosting open mic, running to meetings and lunches, and playing two gigs. But there were also hours when I got to be at home and follow my own schedule. Ahhhh.

I had big fun playing at Poor David’s Pub in Dallas on Saturday. Even though the club has only been in that location for a couple of years, it already feels full of history and good juju. You a sense that the audience is super comfortable, but also has a reverence for music that keeps them open and listening. So cool and so rare. Yay!

Today I had to play model. I don’t know if that’s really what I was doing, but I felt like I was some kind of modeling school drop-out, who suddenly had to pose for Vogue. OK, maybe the stakes weren’t that high, it was just the photo shoot for my album cover. But I just get so self-conscious in front of the camera; all I can think to do is smile. Sometimes I wish I was back at 14 and taking pictures for the Seventeen cover model contest. I used to really get into it, I loved posing and thought I was going all the way. Oh, teen-age dreams!

I’m sure you’ll see all sorts of pics from today eventually, but check out the photographer, Todd Wolfson. He's got a super website. We took some photos outside Rabbit’s bar on E. 6th 

street where there is a great wall of peeling paint. Rabbit and some of his friends were hanging out

 watching and I was kind of scared that they would be annoyed or mad at us artsy posers. But at the end of the shoot, Rabbit came up to me and said, “If I give you a T-shirt from my bar, will you wear it?” Heck yeah! And I’ll even go back for a beer.

My personal highlight for SXSW was signing my recording and publishing deals with MoonHouse Records. Wahoo! It’s been in the works and the legal departments for a long time and we didn’t really plan for it to happen this week, but SXSW is full of unexpected surprises. So Christine and I went out to the parking lot of Artz Rib House after my Wednesday night set and signed the papers. Yes, the parking lot. No cameras or champagne, I'm

 sure we'll get to that later, but right now we're all business. There's a record to put out! Then I got to walk around for the rest of the weekend feeling sorry for all the poor saps working it on 6th street, trying to get a record deal. Ahh, those were the starving years, I remember them fondly….last Tuesday. Now we’ve got lots of work to do, meeting with the graphic designer this week. Yay!

Aside from my own shows, I saw a wide variety of music, some

 good, some forgettable. There was the hippie string band, the Argentinian DJs, a smoky-voiced Brazilian beauty,  nerdy dance rockers, and singer-songwriters galore. The strangest transition was from hearing country star Deana Carter sing “Strawberry Wine” (can’t help but love it) at the fake Texas bar in the Direct TV studio, straight over to a tiny hot sweaty real Texas bar where The Golden Dogs from Toronto swept everyone up in their loud, driving, catchy rock. Whew! I loved them both, and I might be like 1 of 3 people who can say that. 

It was also so fun to catch up and make new memories with my friends from Heloise and the Savior Faire. I was lucky enough to score them an apartment in my complex, so they were close by and we got to escape the downtown craziness together, plus I got to show off some of the treasures of the East Riverside neighborhood. Best pollo in town! Their show at the complex pool was an emotional highlight of the weekend. I couldn’t be there, but just hearing the stories of the trashy, beautiful debauchery that took place makes me jump for joy. I think it was probably the best day of this property's life. In this pic, we are celebrating the reveal of their brand new CD. It's soooo fun and I think "Downtown" is my new power song for the treadmill.