Week 12: Preparing to be on my own...

In Week 11 and 12 Julia is getting us ready for life after The Artist's Way book. But as I reported back in Week 6,  I've been converted to the religion of creativity so I won't stop with the practices and guidelines set out in the book. But I do need constant reminders, so I'm glad for all the tasks in these last weeks that have me making plans and lists of things to do as I go on.

One task that was actually pretty hard was to make a list of 10 dreams or desires for each of 7 categories: Career, Health, Possessions, Leisure, Relationships, Creativity and Spirituality. That's 70 things to want! But I've learned through this process that making lists longer than you think they should be usually brings out the most interesting and unexpected answers. Now I have lots of lovely images to visualize and meditate on as I do my daily walks. Because....

I started reading Vein of Gold the very day I did my last check in for The Artist's Way. In this book, I still do morning pages and Artist Dates, but I also add a 20 min walk when I think about things I want in my life. I love it already. I almost always get back to my desk feeling inspired and motivated. I've even realized that sometimes these things I want are a little scary because they are just so different from what I have now. So it's good to spend a little time each day getting used to the idea of being a rich, successful hit songwriter full of great ideas who takes Caribbean vacations, has a garden and a letterpress print shop in her shed, and somehow stays skinny even though she eats amazing cheese and drinks fun cocktails every night. It's hard to quite understand why that would be scary, because it sounds awesome on paper. Does anyone else feel a little scared of getting what they want?

So what can I say at the end of this process? Well, I guess mostly that it's not the end. I've learned a ton, but I won't stop learning, trying, failing and getting back up again. That's what life is, right? But I do really like being pushed and nudged and nurtured and affirmed by the book. I think it would be awesome if we could all do that for each other out there in the real world. I'm gonna try a little bit every day. 

Week 6: Converted

I think it was in Week 3 that I decided that I love the Artist's Way and that I want to continue with morning pages and Artist Dates after I finish reading the book.

In Week 4 I "happened" to have some existential conversations with friends and family. We talked about our religious upbringing and the all-important "What happens when you die?" question.  I heard myself describing my beliefs and understanding of my existence in the terms that I had read in Deepak Chopra and Julia Cameron. Other people were talking about Heaven and Absolute Nothingness and I was talking about my consciousness being dispersed into the infinitely creative universe.

In Week 5, it struck me that if I want to practice this whatever-it-is every day, if it connects me to the metaphysical plane and explains for me what exists beyond what we see and what happens when we die, that maybe this is a religion, and maybe it's my religion. It just doesn't have a name or any particular organization. Maybe that's OK? But what do I call it? What do I call myself? And will I ever have a community of like-minded people to celebrate with?

In Week 6, I was invited by a friend to go to an event at World Music Nashville where Beth Nielson Chapman was performing, talking and teaching. It was free and they were giving away food and wine and prizes like guitars, why not? She played some really great songs, gave some helpful feedback to the people chosen at random to play for her, and spoke so eloquently about the creative process. It was right in line with everything I had been reading and discovering.

And then she talked about how creativity is God and it confirmed for me all the things I had been thinking. And I realized that I was at church. And I was with like-minded people. It was a Wednesday night retail marketing event and I was holding a plastic cup full of cheap Chardonnay and a chicken quesadilla, but I was surrounded by my people. We are searching for fame and fortune and hit songs, but also for truth and the joy and satisfaction of creating something new and beautiful. And we come together in all sorts of unexpected times and places.

And now I don't think my religion needs to be organized in any kind of obvious way. It's flexible and surprising and doesn't need a power structure or rules about who's in and who's out. I like that I can have a spiritual experience hanging out with friends and playing songs, or walking by myself through the woods, or watching kids or seniors perform their hearts out. But I still want a name for it. "Creativity" doesn't seem right. Better keep looking. Or maybe just live for a while with no name. Seems like a lot of trouble has come from naming religions.

Week 4: No words for you

So the big activity or challenge for Week 4 of the Artist's Way is Reading Deprivation. The premise is that as blocked artists we consume other people's creations as a way to avoid our own thoughts or the scary prospect of creating something (that might fail) ourselves. So the task is to spend a week NOT reading and see what happens. Julia isn't too specific about what forms of media are to be avoided. She casually mentions avoiding magazines and newspapers and TV, but the book was written before blogs and email and social networks became such distractions. So I threw those in, too. Also, she several times suggests that you might listen to music when you aren't reading. But as a musician, I recognize that I often listen to other people's music instead of creating my own. So I decided to have musical deprivation, too.

In some ways, this was an incredibly easy week to do this task. Since I had just moved into a new apartment, there was a lot to do so I didn't have a lot of downtime to read anyway. Plus, I didn't have internet set up in the new place so that meant I had very limited access to blogs, twitter, and TV since I only watch Hulu and Netflix. So it was easy in that it didn't take much self-discipline to avoid reading. Self-discipline is hard for me. But there were several times when I'd been unpacking for hours and I sat down on the couch and reached for the latest New Yorker. No. Get up. Go tackle one more box. Go for a walk. Do something else. And by golly, I got that whole apartment unpacked. And I got myself packed up for Nashville.

That's the other thing that happened in Week 4. I packed up my car full of stuff (Not too much, though. I purged, remember?) and drove part-way to my new part-time home. And there were other people in the car and there was a wedding and a family trip to the mountains over the weekend, too. So not much time to squeeze in reading or TV even if I had wanted to. I was way too busy hiking and dancing and toasting hearing about my friends' love lives and travel adventures and job woes. I didn't have a second to miss reading at all.

Music was harder. I listened to silence in the car when I was running errands and several days while I was unpacking. But I did put on some old CDs while I  was emptying boxes. And I put on a record when a friend came over for dinner. And of course, there was lots of music at the wedding. But I think my true break-down came on Sunday afternoon when Alison and I had pretty much spent 48 straight hours together, had discussed everything we could think of, had been driving for 6 hours and NEEDED the radio on. Still, the stations faded in and out as the road winded around the mountains, so we had to talk anyway. And it didn't distract us from seeing a bald eagle swooping over the farmlands of western Virginia, so I think it was OK.

The first chance I really had to go back to consuming media was Tuesday when I had a 10 hour drive to Nashville. I probably would have gone crazy trying to drive 10 hours by myself in silence, so I was really glad I had some audiobooks and music and phone calls (on the headset!) to keep my brain alive. But I also spent some time with nothing playing, because I really see the value of being quiet with my thoughts. And when I got here and spent a day "working" with my 12 different windows open, flipping around between playing videos and checking email and Facebook and music listings, I felt like a total scatterbrain. I want to go back to that place of focus I had last week. So maybe a little bit of reading deprivation every day is in order. If you all would just stop creating such interesting things for me to read and watch and listen to, it would be a lot easier!

Week 3: Nothing dramatic

I was thinking that nothing really dramatic has happened in Week 3 of the Artist's Way. I mean, no dramatic creative breakthroughs. But I did move to a new apartment, so that was a lot of life drama. And it feels good. A new start.

Also, I found myself feeling very confident in my decision-making about the move. I'm declaring things. I don't want that! This chair goes there! The plates must be on the bottom shelf and glasses on top! This feels good, too. I've been so indecisive in the past and it brings me down and wastes my time. I like feeling sure of myself about something. Even if it is just that dresses are on the left and pants on the right. I'm creating my own living space, so I should make it the way I want. Baby steps in using my own power to change things.

After 4 solid days of packing, moving and unpacking, I got cleaned up and headed to the Dream Away Lodge to play. I ate a huge pork chop and a drank a glass of wine and sat in the cozy music room and sang songs. It felt sublime. I felt like me. I like what I do.

Off to donate another box to Goodwill. Then to pack for two months in Nashville. Did I say nothing dramatic was happening?

Week 2: BirthdayPartyTagSale

So Week 2 of The Artist's Way is about recovering your identity and figuring out how to define your own interests and boundaries. How synchronistic then, that this week we should decide that this big, expensive Victorian house is not for us, and a small 2 bedroom (+ office!) flat in a neighboring town suits us much better. And how crazy that we have 10 days to purge and pack and move. Whew!

So as I was exploring memories of things I love to do and maybe have forgotten through the written tasks in the Artist's Way, I was also cleaning closets and finding physical evidence of those things. Beading, knitting, fabric and sewing patterns, rubber stamps and a ton of other crafts. Camping equipment that hasn't been used in years. Clothes appropriate for nowhere I'll ever go. Games I don't play. CDs I don't listen to. Some of it reminds me that I'm neglecting my interests, so I'll save those things and try to bring them back into use. (I love cooking over a campfire.) And some of it shows how my interests have changed, so those things will go. (In the unlikely chance that I suddenly have an urgent need to put puffy paint on my clothes, I know where I can get some more.)

My birthday came this week, which was also a classic opportunity to look back and think about who I've been over all these years. And it gave me another chance to do a couple other things on my list of "Things I like to do:" Have Guests Over, and Bake For Crowds. Thus was conceived the BrthdayPartyTagSale. I made a huge batch of sticky buns and a big pot of coffee and all our friends and neighbors came to hang out and sift through all the things we didn't want anymore. At the end of the day, we had a sugar crash, $116 more dollars and a lot less stuff. I think I also had a little better sense of who I am. The move comes in Week 3 and I'll probably have to get rid of a lot more stuff once I see how my identity as a "small house person" doesn't really mesh with my identity as "Renaissance woman with 75 different interests." Stay tuned...

I survived Week 1, a hero's quest.

Worked my way through most of the tasks in Week 1 of The Artist's Way and was feeling pretty good by Friday. I felt strong from all the affirmations and because I had identified the enemies of my creativity and sleighed them in my mind. Then, I heard a couple of pieces of rejection. (I won't share them with you. I'm not that strong.)

Uhg! It felt like two steps backwards. Like all that confidence I had built up was just to make me strong enough to stand being shot down again. Boo! So the next day I had planned to attend the Lizard Lounge Open Mic Challenge Main Event,  a single elimination songwriting contest. I'm not too big on contests, as I've written before. I had actually played this Monday open mic probably at least 2 years ago, maybe 3, and had never been close enough to Boston make it to the semi-annual big contest with a $500 prize. Plus the whole "I'm not doing any more contests" thing. But I did want a chance to hear and meet 21 other Boston area songwriters at once and so I had put my name on the list.

But after Friday's bummers I wasn't sure that I was ready to be rejected again. I didn't think winning was the only reason to go. I just didn't want to get out in the first round. Even though I know half of the people, really great artists, were going to be eliminated in the first round. But I decided to go anyway. I set out on a quest to survive the attacks on my ego that would surely come. Got stuck in a huge traffic jam, took 5.5. hours to get the 120 miles to Boston and was 1.5 hours late for the load-in. You can bet I was chanting to myself "Just don't get out in the first round. Please, God, the power of the universe, whatever I'm calling you today, don't let me get out in the first round!"

I was chatting backstage with some of the other writers and we were having a good time getting to know each other and discussing strategy for the contest. I had been thinking all day what to play first, but had to make a pretty quick decision because my name was drawn to sing 3rd. This also meant that I wouldn't know what the other person in my bracket was going to do. So I decided to go straight to the "big guns" song. The one that I was sure could beat anything else. If I wasted it and had nothing left for later rounds, I would be sad. But I was focused on not getting out in the first round. Can you guess what my big guns song was? I think it's kind of hilarious, but I was under a lot of stress. My Miner. That sad simple thing is what I played and I made it through. Mission accomplished.

I kept making it through round after round and then I got kind of zen about it. Every time I knew exactly which song to play and I started to look ahead and feel sure I could beat everyone I was matched against. I was in the single-elimination-song-contest zone. By the time I was in the final four, I knew I was going to win. It was as clear as day.

It was getting really late, though. 1:45AM or so by the time the final round started. At this point there was a little bit more than just having a good time and not being humiliated on my mind. There was the "I'm gonna get home at 5AM and I'd really like to be $500 richer when I do" feeling added on. But whatever, it's only sleep, right?

So the other guy and his wife played first. It was kind of a political song I think (1:45AM, remember). So I figured I'd play my kind of political lifestyle song and belt it out and totally take it home. I did Grow Your Own. Maybe kinda croaky, but I gave it my all and I walked off the stage, humbly thanking the hard-core audience members and eliminated songwriters who had been drinking now for 6 hours. I gave my competitors a hug, just like the Miss America contestants do, and waited for the judges to announce that I was the winner. I was so totally sure that I won. So calm. So ready to use part of that $500 to spring for a hotel so I didn't have to drive home.

And then they ruled. 2 votes for him and 1 for me. And it was over and it was 2:05AM and I had nothing. But the best part is, I didn't care. I really didn't. I liked what I did better. And not in like a nasty "He didn't deserve to win, I'm so much better than him. Those judges don't know anything" kind of a way. Not like that at all. He was good. He was amazing in some ways. I just really felt that I did my best and for that night my best was good enough for me. And I don't wish I could play or write like him, even if he has contest-winning songs. I got applause and lots of positive feedback and I had a great time being on stage. And that is what I want when I play music, not prizes and titles. And I guess I somehow learned that in Week 1. And I think I have a jump on Week 2: Recovering Your Sense of Identity.

If you want to check out the guy who went all the way to the winner's circle, he's Tony Memmel. Super nice and deserving all the good that comes to him.

Back in the blog.

What is up with my lack of blogging? I guess that 5 days in a row marathon output really took it out of me for a while. I haven't been doing much on Twitter or Facebook either, guess I'm just having a private couple of months. It's sometimes nice to get away from the chatter. And to keep from adding to it.

I've been doing what? Thinking, reading, gardening, pickling, writing songs, making lists, sewing patches. Went to the beach. Went to the South. Found a place to live part-time in Nashville so I can go to the South a lot more often. Went to the Barney's Warehouse Sale and braved the elbowing and shoving and trying things on in the aisles to get these perfect jeans for only $19.75 that I love and can NOT take off. Like seriously, I've worn them 5 days in a row now.

I started reading The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It's an absolute classic, always-recommended major work of the self-help cannon, so I can't believe I haven't ever read it. A lot of the concepts are in other books I have read, and I have been doing a kind of morning pages things for a while, but I can already see after a couple of days, that it's going to make a huge difference in my life. I'm discovering things about myself and working through them. See, it got me blogging after a two month absence! It's working already.

Pickle attempt #1

Hate Not

Derek Sivers is a very cool guy with lots of good ideas about all sorts of things. I met him as the creator of the awesome online music store CDBaby. In his blog last week, he asked the question "What do you hate not doing?" as a way to figure out what you really love. You know I love self-help and quizes, so here are a few things I hate not doing. I'm not sure I like the idea of writing a whole blog about hate, but here goes.

I hate not performing.
Not only because I feel terribly off when I do come back to it, but because I miss connecting with people through music. I miss the challenge of choosing the right songs for the situation and hitting the right emotional tone with each performance. I miss working out my lungs and vocal chords and calluses. And I miss the attention. Can't deny that. :)

I hate not writing.
I hate that I let days, weeks, even months go by without cracking open my journal. That's the place where I let it fly without a filter and it really calms me down and gets me focused. I also hate not writing songs. Songwriting is when I take all my crazy ideas and experiences and shape them into a neat little package and summarize all my feelings about something. Sometimes it's closure, sometimes it's a manifesto. Either way, I feel more settled when a song is finished, and excited to get out there and play it for people. I hate not having a new song to share.

I hate not having balance in my social vs. alone time.
Spending says on end with people, even people I love, even when I'm having a great time, leaves me feeling so scattered. I'm very influenced by others' desires and opinions, so I tend to lose center and follow the crowd when I don't get time alone. On the other hand, I hate being alone too much. I get into boring patterns and I do stupid things like watch hours of TV or play video games when I've got too much time alone. I like having other people around me to bring up new ideas, hold me accountable and be a witness, so I won't eat the whole carton of ice cream. Lately I've been having long spates of alone time, followed by intense visits. Whew! I need balance. I'm such a Libra.

I hate staying in the same place for too long.
Even if it's just walking down a different side street. I need new sights and smells and sounds coming at me. I think I travel enough for this not to be much of a problem. :)

I hate not exercising and eating right.
Because when I do, I feel better. When I don't I feel sluggish and guilty. Hate isn't too strong a word for that feeling.

I hate not asking questions.
I'm a curious person and I wonder about a lot of different things. Sometimes I don't like this about myself, because before I have time to really delve into something, I invariably get curious about something new. But I love the beginnings of projects. I love going to a new town and learning it's history, it's local hangouts. Everything is interesting for a little while. And I hate when I'm doing the same old same old over and over again and not exploring some new business idea or region of the country.

Allright, now what did this little exercise teach me? The best lesson is that all the things I hate not doing are things I mostly get to do all the time! That's good. And when I'm not doing them it's usually because I'm being scared or lazy. So the next time I don't want to go for a run or spend an hour on booking or introduce myself to a new friend, I'm going to think "You'll hate it if you don't do this!" Maybe that will get me going.

Now I want to know what you hate not doing. Maybe this is the next "50 things"....