What happened to Week 7?

Week 7 explores issues of Perfectionism and Jealousy. I've done some work about this before, but it is always good to have a reminder. I went to Texas and back this week and got pretty distracted and pulled by all the demands of traveling and seeing tons of friends. I kept up with my morning pages, and I'm sure all the lessons were simmering in my subconscious, but in some ways I felt like I took 4 days off from the Artist's Way and that kind of concerned me. So many people have told me that they started reading the book and stopped after Week 5 or that they've started it several times and never finished it. I don't want to be one of those people! I want to do the whole thing all the way through, on time, with blogs to go with every chapter and amazing revelations every week! Wait, wasn't there something about perfectionism in this chapter?

So I gave myself a few extra days on Week 7 and even skipped a few of the tasks. I didn't worry about whether or not I made a giant step forward. I just thought about all I had done that week: played a great house concert, attended a gorgeous Texas wedding, listened to two audiobooks, saw a bunch of wonderful friends, swam in Barton Springs on a 85 degree October day, bought some hot pink feather earrings. I just trusted that it was all happening for a reason and subtly moving me somewhere great. Actually it was pretty great right at the moment. And isn't that really the big lesson anyway? To live in the moment?

One more thing: I'm looking for synchronicity all the time now (little coincidences that lead you along) and I had a funny one on my drive. I was listening to my audiobook and one of the characters served Sweet Potato Pie. It sounded so delicious, my mouth was watering and I wanted it. I talked on the phone to Alison and told her about my craving. I said I'd stop at Cracker Barrel and see if they had some sweet potatoes. She said No, No, they never have sweet potatoes at CB, it's not on the menu. Not even a weekly special? No, she said. I went to Cracker Barrel anyway and can you guess what the vegetable of the day was? (Well now of course you can because I already gave it away by saying this paragraph was about synchronicity. I need to work on saving my punch lines.) Sweet Potato Casserole! With pecans and brown sugar!  Mmm hmmm. So I was satisfied. More like really full cause I had a whole veggie plate with Mac and Cheese and cornbread and and and oops.

So I'm not sure how all this is leading me to my creative destiny, but now I know Thursday is sweet potato day and I'm sure that knowledge will be crucial at some point. Maybe I'll happen to be at a cocktail party on a Thursday with some amazing super-famous singer who says she has a craving for sweet potatoes and I'll know where to got them. We'll go eat and become best friends and write a ton of hit songs together. About sweet potatoes. Yep, I can see it all now.

I'm snuggled into a lavender bed at The Ginn Parents' house in rural Texas after a super-relaxing Labor Day Weekend. I've been in Austin for a couple days, then I was camping and singing and catching up with friends at the Kerrville Wine and Music Festival. And I'm happy to be in Texas, to be hot, to eat BBQ and drink Shiner Bock and be lazy in a hammock under Live Oak trees, to know my way around and to run into people I know when I'm not even trying to.

But it's not as hard as it was last time. Last time, it was so good and so different from my new life, that it made me sad to be so happy and content when I came back to visit. Now I'm much more relaxed. Maybe because I haven't lost touch with people (thanks Facebook!). My favorite places are still here, and I know I'm going to be back in a couple months. So I can just enjoy this place for what it is, instead of what the rest of my life isn't.

Last Days as a Texan/ Massachusetts for better or worse

My last night in Texas was really bittersweet. A bunch of friends met up at Polvo's and I gorged myself on Mexican food and margaritas. Then we headed over to the legendary Donn's Depot where my producer Chris Gage holds down the piano on Mondays. I sang a few with him and said goodbye to too many of my favorite people. The only reason I'm even letting myself think about it now is because I'm going to Austin 3 weeks. Yay!

Winker took these pictures that night.



I can't help comparing the two places, even though there really is no need. I mean, can't each state be good in it's own way? Can't I have a happy life in two states? Actually, I've always wanted like 5 houses. But right now, I have one, and it's in the Berkshires.

And here how it is Better:
*Mass Turnpike beats I-35. Hands down, no contest. I'll take trees over billboards any day.

*I can walk to the Post Office. And it's so cute! And there's never more than one other person in line.

*My home office has 4 big windows, so I can watch the snow covering the street.

*No social life = cooking at home. I love cooking, it's cheap and healthy!

*Fresh Air at 7pm instead of The World. Sorry Marco Worman.

*I get to run around here, the awesome cemetery. It's not Town Lake, but I don't have to drive to get there, just walk out the door.

And here's how it is Worse:
*No breakfast tacos.

*No Shiner Bock.

*No two-stepping.

*Aforementioned no social life.

*Dry skin.

*Seemingly all day call-in shows on public radio. (One day they actually had people call in to talk about the weather. And then they ask for money??!!)

*The music "scene" has yet to reveal itself. (Actually some people laughed at me when I said I was excited to get to know the local scene!)

But many of these problems have solutions. (Knitting club. Lotion. KUT iPhone App. Drive to Northampton.) So I'm not too worried yet. And the thing that is the same and totally awesome is that I still get to drive around and play music and visit all my favorite places. Now Austin is on my visit list. But I'm gonna make it a long one this time.

What is home?

I don't want to lose my Texas self. Already I feel the Northeast creeping in to my psyche. I'm telling myself it's not so cold at 40 degrees. I'm looking forward to snow. I'm thinking puffy coats are kind of cute and tall trees that I once complained blocked the sky are nice and shady. Fireplaces are cozy and hardwood and tall ceilings are a good substitute for concrete floors and open kitchens. Creative vegetarian food everywhere is worth giving up easy access to the best pork ribs I've ever tasted. Wait, I'm not there yet. In fact, I want to go to Luling right now! I know I have to do this to survive and be happy, but it's sad and confusing for my identity.

All these past 6 1/2 years, I've been learning to be a Texan, to use frontage roads, to know good BBQ and to automatically say "Y'all." I think the desert and scruffy juniper are beautiful, and I adore Live Oak trees, with their 200 year old sprawling limbs that stay green all winter. I've lived in Texas more than anywhere else, and I was just starting to feel like I had a home state, not just because of the years spent here, but because I wanted to be here and it made sense with who I am. If I live in Massachusetts, what does that mean? Does it mean I've abandoned my home? Does that mean something else is more important to me than place? That a person, a relationship, a job opportunity actually means more to me than the city or state or region I live in? I guess so, and that is pretty cool, but humbling, too. Because I admit that I have judged people before - country singers from Brooklyn- I've never believed them. Even though their lives may have been more full of rural life and tradition than mine, I have felt that because I lived in Texas, I was a more authentic artist. Who cares if I live in Austin, the fastest-growing, most educated, youngest, transient, artsy, latte-drinking, Prius-driving city in Texas, we still know how to Two-Step, even in the gay bars. Do I lose my legitimacy when I leave, or just my self-righteousness? And is that such a bad thing?

What scared me the most is that I'll lose the ability to call myself a Texan. Even though I've had to qualify it (I was born in Alabama), I realize it has felt good to have an answer when people ask me where I'm from. Even with all the explanations (We moved a lot, my Mom lives in Ohio...), when I said I was from Texas, it was really starting to feel true, emotionally at least. I'm from these big skies and long wide roads. I'm from these friendly people who brand everything with stars and add hot peppers to their cooking and turn on the air conditioning in December. I drink Shiner Bock beer and margaritas, because that's what we drink. We. Us Texans. Will I get to say that anymore? Will I feel that? Will Texas just recede in my identity and be just another place I've lived? Will I start to feel like a Massachusettsian (what are they called?) or a New Englander? or just rootless?

All this capitulating to the cold has reminded me of how adaptable I am. I pick up accents and colloquialisms everywhere I go. I'm open to new foods and have a great sense of direction. Lately, I've been taking comfort in my ability to adapt to new situations, fit in and change. It might be an even bigger part of my identity that my Texan-ness. I enjoy and crave going to new places, and for a while I even took pride in that. It felt cool to say that I'm from all over, I don't need a home. But in Austin, with all these friends, I made one anyway, almost without trying. And maybe I can adapt to a new place and make new friends and learn to love it, but will I make a home again?

It's always been pretty easy for me to move, and I had chalked that up to my adventurous spirit, but I've never really left a home. I've left places I knew I couldn't stay (college) and places I knew I didn't fit in (Portland). Now I'm up to a real challenge.

Massachusetts, please take it easy on me. Just give me a mild February, and I'll compost and honk my horn and eat chowder and even try snow-shoeing.

Austin, leave the light on.